Ugh, Up-keeping!

I am SO lazy!  Up-keeping is just too hard!  Up-keeping a blog, blah!  Up-keeping a house, blah, blah!  Even up-keeping a person, too hard!  LOL.

I really am lazy.  I accuse D of being lazy but yet I come home, I know there are things to do, and I sit on my butt.  I watch D give J a bath and take her to bed and I sit on my butt... (though, in my defense, he does those two things because I'm horrible at just taking her to bed, I never want to leave, lol).

I know I need to get into shape, I know I need to lose weight and yet I'm like, eh... I forgot my clothes (when in reality I deliberately did not pack them!), oh there's no room in the living room to do my Just Dance (though it is really NOT that hard to push the chair away!), can't do my month-long daily challenge because I'd be starting on the wrong date (seriously?  I'm even too lazy to make up a good excuse for that one, lol).  Damn I'm lazy!

I'm throwing blame everywhere else but at myself when in reality, I'm the one who is lazy.

Hmm, how do I fix this?  Where do I start?  And how do I keep going?

1. House
2. Self/family
3. Job
4. Money
5. Future plans

Confidence for camping needed?

In a few months I'll be going camping with my family... as in not just my husband but my family AND my sisters'.  This means I have a few weeks to get ready... No, not with anything camping related but more on a personel level.  I need to make sure my confidence level is strong.

Confidence... how to have it?

Right now, I'd say my confidence level is like a 6.  It is mainly because I've been lazy.  Sometimes I don't bother to do my waxings, most times I don't do anything special with my hair... I haven't even bother to get clothes that fit in years.  I don't bother going to the gym or walk or even play with my dancing game.  And right now I'm ok with a confidence level of a six.

However, in May, I'll be seeing one of my sisters who has recently lost a lot of weight.  In June, I'll again be with her and another sister who lost a lot of weight a few years ago... basically, I am now the fat sister of the bunch.

It does bother me but not because of my weight.  I know I can look good with weight.  I've been plus-sized for many years and know that my weight doesn't have to be a certain number to make me feel good.  Now, being healthy, that is another story.  I WANT TO BE HEALTHY... however, that is for another blog posting.  This is about my confidence....

So if I'm comfortable with being the biggest sister out of the bunch, why am I worried about building up my confidence?  Well, my family isn't always the kindest bunch and I need to be prepare.  I need to remember that even if my thighs touch, I still have a really pretty smile and eyes.  I need to remember that even though I have grey hair, I still have beautiful hair with a silky texture.  I need to make sure I know that even though I'll be bigger than the other girls, my belly and big tatas are so squishy-comfortable to my little girl, lol.

I also need to remember that just because my sisters look good, it doesn't mean that I look bad.  I think that is something a lot of women do.  If they see someone else who looks good, they think it means they themselves look bad.  My sisters have gone through a lot with their own confidence levels and deserve to be able to feel good about themselves.  I'm hoping I can keep from being one of those people, hating on someone because of what they have.  If I want to lose weight and be skinny, then I have my own options... If I decide I don't want to take any of those options, then I cannot hate on others who do.  My sisters should be proud of how they have changed their bodies and I should be proud and happy for them while remembering to be proud and happy for myself.

Besides, this is a good test for me.  I want to be able to teach my daughter to love who she is, to feel good about herself when she's around others.  I don't want her to worry about how other people look at her.  I don't want her to grow up trying to fit in with how everyone else looks or to feel bad about herself if she doesn't.  And I don't want her to grow up feeling jealous or bad if someone else looks good around her.

I guess I'm already on step 1 to having a strong confidence level :D

Has it really been so long?

At the end of this month (March), I will have been living in Maryland for 10 years.  TEN YEARS!  That is the longest I've lived anywhere!

I never thought I would settle in Maryland.  I never thought I would live in a place where I would have to worry about snow.  In fact I even once broke up with a guy because his future plans involved moving to the midwest... and that would have been just too much snow!  When I lost my orders to England, I picked Maryland just to give me a bit of time to get away from the stress in Hawaii.  I had every intentions to move back to my little rock in the Pacific once my 3-year-tour was over.

This is not the only thing in my life these last 10 years that I never thought would happen.  It is funny how you can never really determine what your future will be or who would be in it.
I like to say that I never thought I'd get married and to a point that is true.  I wanted to be married, don't get my wrong but I honestly never thought I would find someone I'd be willing to tie my life with forever.  The guys I dated, there was always a reason or two that I couldn't commit forever with.  I loved many but there was always a part of me that knew they were not the right one, even when I wanted them to be.  I was so picky, I knew what I wanted.  I even made a list of what I was looking for in a guy...

Three months after moving to Maryland and I meet a guy who threw that list right out the window!  I NEVER saw it coming!  The best part, when I met Dave, I was also talking/seeing a guy who fit almost everything I was looking for, my "Mister Right" if you wanted to believe my list.  However, it was Dave who I wanted in my future.

I'm still living in Maryland because of him and as much as I want to complain that I'm not living in Hawaii, I can't.  It is because of him that I have a home that is close to my dream home (I had a list for that too, lol), an amazing baby, my dogs, etc. 

I could complain about all the things in Maryland that I deal with, being so far away from the ocean, having to deal with cold/snow weather, etc. but Maryland blesses me with so many other things.  The ability to see my parents when I want, most importantly the ability for Jocelyn to see my parents and her dad's side of the family.  A job that pays me more than most people would say was possible for a woman with just an Associates.  Places rich in history that we can explore.  Being able to PLAY in the snow that I once hated with my husband, dogs, and soon baby.  And a man, who as much stress as he brings me, makes me laugh daily.


Thank you Maryland for the last 10 years of blessings. 

I rather be building Rome!

I used to be a very organized person.  I could easily plan anything, just give me a pad of paper and a pen and watch me list and organize.  My barracks room/apartment was always filled with stuff but not matter how much crap I had, I always knew where everything was and why I had it.  Budgeting, oh so easy.  I could run up credit cards because I knew I would have it all paid off before the next big purchase. 

Being organized was so easy!  Until my life of one became a life to two...

Adding a boyfriend who later became a husband made things a bit harder.  The worse part, he's so opposite from me, hating schedules, lists, budgets, etc.  My life became a bit more chaotic as I tried to hold onto some of my organization skills.

Then I had a miscarriage, immediately followed by getting pregnant again.  For those 9 months I mentally checked out.  During the emotional toil of the miscarriage, I couldn't mentally function; during the "morning sickness every day up until birth" pregnancy, I didn't have the energy to do anything.  So it all fell to my husband, who enlisted his mother's help.

My husband and my mother-in-law, having free reign to do whatever to my household.  Moving things, piling things, reorganzing things.  Nine months of total freedom from my attention.

Now, nine months after giving birth, I'm struggling, trying to get my household in order.  It is almost necessary to have some kind of schedule, a type of plan, when dealing with a new baby, four dogs, a husband, myself, and whatever little challenge life throws at us. 

I am slowly catching up but I'm still behind.  I still have Christmas cards AND Christmas presents to send out!  I just finally got Jocelyn's room set up to were she can actually SLEEP in it (though it still needs its "final" touches).  Dave and I are determined not to eat out for the whole month of March which means not only am I going to have to figure out breakfast, lunch, and dinner for both of us every day, but it also means I have to get my pantry, cabinets, and fridge filled and keep them filled.  Oh, and in three (more like two) short months, it will be Ms. Jocelyn's FIRST birthday.  I need to get started on that... but how can I start that WHEN I STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS TO FINISH????

Oh geez!  So much, so much to do!

Rome wasn't built in a day... but I think building Rome would have been a bit easier for me than trying to get my household in order!

Confusion... over lions!

As the title of this post shows, I'm a bit confused.  I'm not sure what to do. 

A few months ago I was having a hard time.  Since Jocelyn was born, I find myself thinking and worrying about death a lot.  I hear the ticktock of my life clicking away and for the first time, it scares me.  Before, death didn't worry me.  I lived my life trying to enjoy it as much as I could, doing what I could to create incredible memories.  At any point, my life could end but I was ok with it because it has been an incredible story.

Then came Jocelyn and it has all changed.  Her birth brings so many new possibilities and adventures, so many things that I do not want to miss.  Yet I know that nothing in life is guaranteed and it makes me so sad and scared.

Anyway, this was heavily on my mind and one of my good friends suggested that I find something else to do in order to distract myself away from such thoughts.  We find a possible topic, a possible adventure that would help keep my mind and body busy and before I knew it I had jumped on a runaway train.

Now I'm not going to mention the thing but it brings me into what I think of as the lion's den.  I wasn't worried about it before because I was going to be with others but as time has passed, I'm finding myself alone.  I feel like I have no choice but to continue, though I'm scared.  I don't want to go into the den.  However, I feel obligated, that I have to do it.  If I do not do it, then I look like the bad person.

This adventure requires a lot of time that I don't have.  I have to figure out a budget, I have to plan the logistics of it, I have to get not just myself but also my household ready.  Then, as things change, I have to readjust my original plans which brings along additional issues.  Most importantly, this brings me into contact with lions that make me nervous. 

It is the lions that scare me.  It is coming into contact with the lions that scare me.  I don't want to.  I thought I was ready but I realize, I'm not.  I don't want to be around lions because lions hurt.  But if I don't do this, then I know it is really because I'm a coward.  Is that true though?  Are you a coward if you want to avoid dangerous lions that can eat you?  Or is it being smart? 

Do I head into the lion's den or do I turn tail and run away as fast as I can?

Why try to start another blog?

My friends at work have been pressing me to start a blog for over a year now.  I have several friends and family members who all keep blogs.  I even tried to do one while I was pregnant last year, however it quickly fell to the side as morning sickness kicked my butt the whole 8 months I was pregnant.

I didn't think I wanted to create one because it is too much of a commitment.  I already have a million things to do and keep track of at home and at work, why the heck would I want to add one more??? 

Well, ever since the birth of my daughter, the future has been playing in my head.  What if something bad happens to me before Jocelyn is old enough to know who I am?  What if she never hears the happy and unhappy fairytale of me and her daddy.  What if she never gets to hear the lessons I've learned which might be able to help her in some way?

I've recently discovered how some people view me, the negative thoughts they have of me... Of course it doesn't surprise me, not everyone is going to like me.  However, if something was to happen to me, these could end up being the people who describe me to my daughter.  Do I really want my daughter hear from someone else, oh, your mother was a horrible person.  Oh your mother did this or that.  Oh, can you believe your mother allowed or did THIS? 

Death scares me now.  It is every where and can happen to anyone at anytime.  In a blink of an eye I can be gone and then what?  I have a few journals, notebooks, letters, and such from when I was younger but the past several years I've pretty much stopped writing in a journal. 

So maybe it is time for me to start my blog, not for the purpose of helping or entertaining other people, though I don't mind if that happens.  This is mainly to create an electronic way for my daughter and any other future children (and maybe even grand, great grandchildren) to get to know me and how my brain works.

Hopefully I'll do better up-keeping this blog than I did with the pregnancy one, lol.