I rather be building Rome!

I used to be a very organized person.  I could easily plan anything, just give me a pad of paper and a pen and watch me list and organize.  My barracks room/apartment was always filled with stuff but not matter how much crap I had, I always knew where everything was and why I had it.  Budgeting, oh so easy.  I could run up credit cards because I knew I would have it all paid off before the next big purchase. 

Being organized was so easy!  Until my life of one became a life to two...

Adding a boyfriend who later became a husband made things a bit harder.  The worse part, he's so opposite from me, hating schedules, lists, budgets, etc.  My life became a bit more chaotic as I tried to hold onto some of my organization skills.

Then I had a miscarriage, immediately followed by getting pregnant again.  For those 9 months I mentally checked out.  During the emotional toil of the miscarriage, I couldn't mentally function; during the "morning sickness every day up until birth" pregnancy, I didn't have the energy to do anything.  So it all fell to my husband, who enlisted his mother's help.

My husband and my mother-in-law, having free reign to do whatever to my household.  Moving things, piling things, reorganzing things.  Nine months of total freedom from my attention.

Now, nine months after giving birth, I'm struggling, trying to get my household in order.  It is almost necessary to have some kind of schedule, a type of plan, when dealing with a new baby, four dogs, a husband, myself, and whatever little challenge life throws at us. 

I am slowly catching up but I'm still behind.  I still have Christmas cards AND Christmas presents to send out!  I just finally got Jocelyn's room set up to were she can actually SLEEP in it (though it still needs its "final" touches).  Dave and I are determined not to eat out for the whole month of March which means not only am I going to have to figure out breakfast, lunch, and dinner for both of us every day, but it also means I have to get my pantry, cabinets, and fridge filled and keep them filled.  Oh, and in three (more like two) short months, it will be Ms. Jocelyn's FIRST birthday.  I need to get started on that... but how can I start that WHEN I STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS TO FINISH????

Oh geez!  So much, so much to do!

Rome wasn't built in a day... but I think building Rome would have been a bit easier for me than trying to get my household in order!

Confusion... over lions!

As the title of this post shows, I'm a bit confused.  I'm not sure what to do. 

A few months ago I was having a hard time.  Since Jocelyn was born, I find myself thinking and worrying about death a lot.  I hear the ticktock of my life clicking away and for the first time, it scares me.  Before, death didn't worry me.  I lived my life trying to enjoy it as much as I could, doing what I could to create incredible memories.  At any point, my life could end but I was ok with it because it has been an incredible story.

Then came Jocelyn and it has all changed.  Her birth brings so many new possibilities and adventures, so many things that I do not want to miss.  Yet I know that nothing in life is guaranteed and it makes me so sad and scared.

Anyway, this was heavily on my mind and one of my good friends suggested that I find something else to do in order to distract myself away from such thoughts.  We find a possible topic, a possible adventure that would help keep my mind and body busy and before I knew it I had jumped on a runaway train.

Now I'm not going to mention the thing but it brings me into what I think of as the lion's den.  I wasn't worried about it before because I was going to be with others but as time has passed, I'm finding myself alone.  I feel like I have no choice but to continue, though I'm scared.  I don't want to go into the den.  However, I feel obligated, that I have to do it.  If I do not do it, then I look like the bad person.

This adventure requires a lot of time that I don't have.  I have to figure out a budget, I have to plan the logistics of it, I have to get not just myself but also my household ready.  Then, as things change, I have to readjust my original plans which brings along additional issues.  Most importantly, this brings me into contact with lions that make me nervous. 

It is the lions that scare me.  It is coming into contact with the lions that scare me.  I don't want to.  I thought I was ready but I realize, I'm not.  I don't want to be around lions because lions hurt.  But if I don't do this, then I know it is really because I'm a coward.  Is that true though?  Are you a coward if you want to avoid dangerous lions that can eat you?  Or is it being smart? 

Do I head into the lion's den or do I turn tail and run away as fast as I can?